Worth Saving Read online

  Kris took us to his library/home where we have been hiding out for the last 2 days. He has food and water but he still makes me feel nervous whenever he looks at me. And sometimes I get this funny fluttering feeling inside when I look at him. Ellen adores him, she totally trusts everything about him and keeps peppering him with questions and telling him everything about us. The girl has no sense.

  Day 2056

  Ellen, Is more of a pain that she’s worth (not really)

  Ellen asked Kris if we could stay with him. She didn’t ask me before she blurted it out. I realize she’s just a little girl, and scared, especially after the raiders had us, but still. We don’t need anyone else. I got mad at her and told her to be quiet, she spent the rest of the day sulking. Kris seemed surprised by the request and didn’t know what to say. He told Ellen he’d think about it. What’s wrong with us that we aren’t good enough for him, how dare he act like such a jerk? We don’t need him anyway.

  .o0o.

  We’d spent the first day locked up in the room together. I showed them where the ladies bathroom was and that they were only going to get one flush per commode. I changed into new cloths while they were out, being careful of the bandages on my leg and hobbled down the steps to get some books from downstairs I thought they might like.

  We sat around and read; Claire and Ellen found some puzzles downstairs and brought them into the room. I watched them work together, their head next to each other as they poured over the pieces, separating them into groups, squealing together when they made a match. They were a close team and it made my chest hurt a little as I thought about my dad.

  An army officer, he got out when my mom died. He started teaching at the local community college, mostly he focused on taking care of me. I think he knew that something like the illness was going to happen someday. Every weekend we‘d do something new. Things like canning jam, or changing a tire, or teaching me about electric motors and how they worked. I’d spend the week nights doing homework or reading books he gave me while he graded essays and prepared his lessons. Every Saturday, it was action, doing, learning, he always made it like a game, never a lesson. Just us two guys working together. Sunday was reserved for the outdoors, we’d go on long hikes, sometimes hunting, sometimes just walking. He used to say the forest was god’s greatest church. He taught me how to track, how to see and how to think, not what to think, how to figure stuff out. I used to think I had the greatest life a boy could have.

  I missed my mom, and would occasionally have a flash of pain when I remembered something. Overall, life was great until the illness arrived. At first, we hoped that staying on the farm would keep us safe. Then dad came down with it, he knew he had when he couldn’t stop coughing one morning. Most people died within twelve hours. I spent the next thirty six hours writing down in black and white notebooks, everything he said, ever fact about such things as airplanes and how they worked, theories about insurgencies and how to defeat them if you’re the government and how to win if you were a rebel. He told me about our family history. Those first ancestors settling in the Shenandoah Valley moving into Tennessee and eventually Texas, There’d been both sheriffs and rustlers, and sometimes it was hard to tell the difference. He talked about philosophers and artist and towards the end he talked about mom. Making her come back to life for both of us, for a few minutes anyway, telling me about how they met at a baseball game. How he knew that she’d be his wife ten minutes after meeting her. I like to think that he was thinking about her when he died.

  Those notebooks were filled with instructions, and the most repeated instruction was to stay away from people. Don’t let them know you were there and they couldn’t hurt you. To not trust anyone, to always verify. Etc. I know he was right, but I’d think about the way he talked about mom and my insides would squeeze up and I’d get a desperate longing for what they had.

  So I’d come down to the city and ended up in this mess, holed up in an office with armed men scouring the city for us.

  I focused on my book and realized that I hadn’t turned a page in an hour. Looking up I caught Claire staring at me. Her eyes were so mysterious, I couldn’t guess at what she was thinking.

  I’d met a few people over the last five years, men like the Tinker mostly. People willing to talk, I always made sure they were safe before I approached them. Claire was different, it was as if I had to pick my way across an icy pond in my bare feet, not knowing which way to go. Take the wrong step and I’d slip and fall like a clown on a banana peel.

  She continued to look at me, then, shaking her head she returned to helping Ellen. She leaned down whispering something and Ellen giggled and shot me a glance. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, checking the time; I opened the door and went down to the library making sure not to frame myself in any of the windows.

  What is it about girls I wondered? I’d read the books, I’d even found those magazines at Mr. Jackson’s. Being with them for real was stranger than I could have imagined. They didn’t make sense, the way they thought, the way they moved. Claire had walked across the room and I’d been mesmerized by the corner of her back jeans pocket as it made a circle with each step. It was impossible to look away and she caught me and blushed, which made me blush more.

  I couldn’t think strait and I seemed to always be saying or doing the wrong thing. I couldn’t figure out what they wanted, and I didn’t understand why I felt compelled to get it for them.

  To heck with it I thought, plopping down in a stuffed chair, it’s only for a couple of days I thought. Hell I could stand on my head for a couple of days if I had to. Two or three more days wasn’t going to kill me. The raiders would leave and Claire and Ellen could go back to their home. We might run into each other occasionally, no big deal. It would be nice keeping up on each other’s lives, at least until I moved back to the mountains.

  Several hours later I went back to the room before it got dark. The girls had put the puzzle away and were making a cold meal of the last of my canned ham and some crackers. I wheeled in a third chair from another office and joined them at the table.

  "Thanks for making dinner," I said. "it's going to get dark soon. You might want to make a trip to the restroom while you've still got a chance." They both nodded their heads and continued eating, Claire asked about the book I was reading and Ellen started talking about hers, it was a nice moment.

  When we finished, Ellen started hemming and hawing about something, refusing to look at Claire or me. Screwing up her courage she lifted her head and said, “I want to stay here with Kris.” She looked back and forth between Claire and me, trying to gauge our reactions.

  Claire went red, her eyes narrowed as she watched Ellen. Sitting down as if her legs wouldn’t support her anymore. It was obvious that Ellen’s declaration was a shock. I on the other hand, showed my maturity and obvious sophistication by spitting out some crackers.

  Ellen asking to stay at my library was a shock; I stumbled for an answer and said, “We’ll see, I’ll think about it.” She was ecstatic, I guess Claire’s ‘we’ll see’ was different from my dad’s ‘we’ll see’. No way was I letting them move in, I didn’t plan on this. It was already weird having them stay for a few days while we waited for the raiders to leave. I didn’t like it and felt cramped, as if I was being suffocated. I had to watch what I said, what I did, like some kind of science experiment, always being observed. Plus I was sleeping on the floor and my leg hurt all the time, constantly reminding me of what I’d gotten myself into.

  The ‘we’ll see’ comment seemed to calm very troubled waters and Claire and I ignored the whole thing. I figured I’d find a nice way to say no later, after the raiders were gone and they could feel safe again.

  Eventually the girls lay down on the bed, both of them on top of the covers, the room was getting warm. Claire turned over and put her arm around Ellen. A part of me cringed with regret.

  I lay on my pallet with my back to them and tried to will myself asleep, but I could hear t
hem breathing. The room felt like it had shrunk by half, it was getting stuffy, almost oppressive, as if the ceiling was getting closer and closer. The lanterns were leaving a faint burnt oil smell complemented by three people living and sleeping in the same cloths for days on end. Throw in ham and crackers plus my bloody bandage. The place needed to be aired out, bad.

  No matter how hard I tried my body wouldn’t relax, I tried everything. Between Ellen’s wish, my leg throbbing like a base drum and they being there, only a few feet away, it wasn’t going to happen. I turned over trying to find a comfortable position and saw Claire looking at me. She’d turned and had her hands folded under her pillow. The storm lantern threw flickering shadows over her pretty face.

  Our eyes locked, and this time neither of us turned away. Her eyes reminded me of the deep blue at the base of a glacier, the translucent blue that hints at unknowable depths. My heart skipped as I got lost. For a moment, a quick moment, I thought I could see what she was feeling, the loneliness, the longing, and the possibilities of more, much more.

  I was drawn to her, I wanted to lie down and curl myself around her, wrap her in arms and never let go.

  The moment was broken when Ellen stirred in her sleep and Claire turned over whispering, “Everything’s OK, I’m here, everything is OK” she repeated as she rubbed the little girl's back.

  Chapter Six

  I opened the door at the top of the stairs and peaked out; the sky was shot through with deep red streaks and promising shades of amber in preparation for a glorious sunrise. Making my way onto the roof, I thought about the girls below. I had to get out of there; sleeping in the same room with other people felt confining. As if there wasn’t enough air in the room. My entire body was rigid with tension.

  I’d lain there all night, listening to their slight breaths, occasionally catching a whiff of the coconut shampoo Claire used. Tossing and turning, trying to relax, pictures of dead men and girls in blue jeans kept tormenting me.

  Finally, sheer exhaustion had taken over as I fell into a troubled sleep, only to be awoken by the sound of Ellen crying in her sleep and Clair rubbing her back and whispering to her that everything was going to be OK. Ellen had slowly stopped whimpering as Clair pulled her close.

  On the roof the next morning, I sat on the gritty asphalt tiles and leaned with my back to the parapet that ran around the roof top watching the sun come up. The air smelt clean and pure. The wind hadn’t picked up yet to disturb the quietness. I sat there going over everything that had happened, reviewing my actions, my decisions, looking for things I could have done differently. I could live with killing that man and wounding the other. I refused to commit to never doing it again because I figured there was a good opportunity that things like that were going to become a normal event. It was one of the hazards of moving back into the world of people.

  Shaking my head, I couldn’t figure out what was bugging me so much. My mind wandered until the cry of a bird caught my attention. The eagle soared above the park, slowly banking left then right. As I watched the eagle beat its wings a few times and caught a thermal updraft, reestablishing his position above the park. My stomach churned with jealousy, the bird knew its role in the universe. It knew where it was supposed to be and what it was supposed to do.

  Hanging my head, my shoulders slumped as I remembered my father telling me, “You can’t solve a problem until you can define it.” Did I want them to stay or did I want my privacy back? Did I go with them, or did I return to my mountain forest? I felt like I was stuck in mud, trapped with no idea what direction to go.

  Hearing the stair door creak, I turned to see Ellen poking her head out, her tentative smile and questioning eyes asking permission to join me. I smiled in return and gestured her over. Her face lit up like a torch as she ran across the roof and scooted down next to me. Without thinking I draped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to watch the sun rise.

  Sighing, I relaxed, my mind at peace, I pointed out the eagle and smiled to myself as I watched her stare at the soaring bird. Her gaze followed every movement with simple joy. The little girl could melt a stone with here toothless smile. For the first time, I regretted not having a little sister, someone to care for, who looked up to me. I envied Claire, I knew how hard it had been. It must have been cool to have someone trust you, to believe in you. No matter what. It surprised me a little. That’s not true, It surprised me a lot. This feeling of protective possessiveness, for both of them. I couldn’t imagine letting the raiders get them again, or the dogs, or any of the thousands of things that could go wrong in this new world. My insides boiled like a steam cooker at the mere thought of Claire being taken to the compound to serve some strange man.

  No way was that ever going to happen. This little girl deserved a life as normal as possible. A life filled with fun, trust, and a feeling of safety. She deserved a world where she didn’t have to cry herself to sleep every night.

  “Where’s Claire,” I asked.

  “Still asleep, I don’t think she slept good last night. I slept great, I like your bed, it’s soft,” Ellen answered.

  This was going to be hard, I had absolutely no idea how to get Claire to accept my plan. If I said the sky was blue, she’d automatically say it was gray, without even looking to check.

  “So you think we should stick together?” I asked.

  “Oh Yes.”

  “How do we convince Claire?”

  “Convince me of what?” Claire asked us as she emerged from the stairwell.

  “Your awake,” Ellen squealed and got up to run and grab her hand and pull her towards me. “Kris thinks we should all stay together.”

  I watched her walk toward me, her hair brushed back in a ponytail, her beltless blue jeans gapped at the waist and tight everywhere else, how did they stay up I wondered.

  “He does? Why is that?” Claire asked me. Her dazzling blue eyes stared intently, daring me to be convincing.

  Slowly standing, I took a few steps towards the other side of the roof then turned and said, “Because it’s the right thing to do and you know it.”

  “What… How...”

  “No. Hear me out.” interrupting her before she could get started. “Three people watching out for each other is better than two”

  “Or one alone,” Ellen added.

  “Yes, or one alone. The point is that twelve is better than three,” I said.

  Claire’s brow narrowed in confusion, “What do you mean twelve.”

  “You people have been hiding from the raiders and the wild dogs, and supposedly Bengal Tigers,” I said smiling. “But it’s not working; the dogs own the streets, the raiders stop by and harvest what they need whenever they want. The thought of them taking either Ellen or you is …” I stumbled over my words as the horror of their capture and all it meant coursed through my veins. “Well, let’s just say, it’s not going to happen because we, both you and I, will do everything to make sure it doesn’t.” I quickly glanced at her to see how she was taking it so far but her face was impassive, as informative as a boulder in the middle of a wheat field.

  Seeing that she was at least listening, I continued. “Everyone is spending all of their time just surviving. I know that’s all I have been doing for the last five years and I am sick to death of it. Worrying everyday where the next meal is coming from. Not going outside unless I'm fully armed and mentally ready to kill or be killed. I think that if we get enough people together we can spend some of our time living.” My face became red and my voice rose in volume as my passion increased for the subject.

  I think Claire realized that I was convincing myself as well as her, making her feel better as she watched me paced back and forth. “How would you do it, you can’t force anyone, not unless you’re going to tie them up in the basement,” she said

  I looked at her in mild surprise, she hadn’t said no, hadn’t shot my idea full of holes, at least not yet. “We’ll have to make some type of safe haven. Somewhere people, especially kids
, will prefer to stay. A place where kids like Ellen and women like you can sleep at night not having to worry because they feel safer, also because they enjoy it more.”

  Claire’s eyes twinkled when I called her a woman and a small smile forced itself to her face.

  “You’ve thought a lot about this I see,” she said.

  “No, honestly, it is all just coming to me. I haven’t thought about all the things that could go wrong. I haven’t worked out the details, I know I’m right. Deep down where it counts, I know this is the right thing,” I said.

  As I stood there, my thoughts racing a mile a minute, I remembered something my father had said at the end, “Son, there are going to come a few times in your life, where I would have told you that I am proud of you, I won’t be there to do that, you’ll know when those times occur, you’ll feel it deep down in your gut. When you get that feeling, I want you to know that I am proud of you, I always have been, and I always will be.”

  “So what do you think?” I asked her.

  Claire turned to look towards the newly risen sun, now several degrees above the horizon. I wondered if she’d felt the wrongness in the way they had been living.

  “I remember the day I walked in on you at the office building,” she said, “standing there in your buckskins with that bow and arrows, looking like some Norwegian Indian god,” I knew things were going to change,” She said. “If you think that this means you and I are setting up house. You are out of your friggen mind.” She said, looking at me to make sure I understood what she meant and not even thinking about her cursing in front of Ellen.

  “Does that mean YES,” Ellen squealed. “Not we’ll see? Not Maybe, but a real YES.”

  Claire looked at her and reached out for a quick hug, “Yes, that means yes,” she said, thinking that if things didn’t work out they could always leave and be no worse off than they were now.

  I looked at them but did not smile, what have I done? My stomach lurched with the idea of all that I’d committed too. Well, if it doesn’t work, I can always return to my mountain top and its forests. Looking at the two people hugging each other, I knew that forest would never be a true solace again.